Some words on attachment

I have issues with attachment. That's one more way I fit the damn psychological mold for anorexia. After all, there have been a number of studies done about the relationship between attachment theory and development of eating disorders, namely that insecure attachment increases body image problems and risk of anorexia and bulimia. What comes to mind is little me clinging to my mom's leg on the first day of kindergarten, crying. I felt like her leaving me would be equivalent to my life ending. About thirteen years later, I felt the exact same way when I arrived at the University of Notre Dame, far from everything I knew in California. It was there in South Bend, Indiana when I began to think it was perfectly normal to remove the bread from my sandwiches and eat a plain baked potato for dinner. I passed out and ended up in a hospital where the doctor said, "You've been on a starvation diet." In true perfectionist fashion, I refused to come home until I finished my finals and got straight A's. I did come home, though. And I never returned to Indiana.

With lots of therapy, I think I've learned quite a bit about my "attachment issues." I've gained some confidence by going out into the world, one step at a time, and realizing that I'm okay on my own. Getting various apartments and jobs, going to the grocery store, dealing with flat tires -- all of these things have helped me develop some security. And, over time, as I've felt more secure, I've let go of some anorexic behaviors.

But, I still have issues with attachment. No longer am I clinging to my mom's leg, but I really, really, really don't like change. I'm very attached to sameness. It's no wonder that my mind (and body) find such odd comfort in counting calories, planning meals, keeping things predictable and controlled. I don't like chaos. And, during the worst of things, my definition of chaos was not natural disasters, but a spontaneous ice cream cone. I've changed my definition over the years. Now, chaos would be getting divorced, or finding a new job, or moving...you know, fairly big events. But, still, I have moments when a simple change of plans feels like chaos. I just don't like change.

In the past several weeks, I've become a little more accepting of change, mostly because I've had to. The choice has been very simple -- either embrace the uncertainty, or fall back into anorexia completely. I really don't want to fall back into anorexia. That's the truth. But, I would be lying if I said that embracing the uncertainty was at all comfortable. It just seems to be the lesser of two evils.

This past week, my therapist and I were talking about living day-to-day, letting go of worries about what's next, feeling less need to plan and prepare and always be on alert. I guess this is what people call "going with the flow." I've never been one to like "the flow." I have been even more unlikely to "go with it." I'd rather create my own river, then swim upstream, like a salmon, thank you. But, there is something nice about relaxing. Did I just say that? I've never been good at relaxing. Ever. Even when I'm happy or excited, I'm still thinking about what's next (and thinking quickly becomes worrying, and worrying encourages the eating rituals and that illusion of all my ducks being in a row). For example, if I have a good date with a guy, my usual thought is, "When will I see him again? What will we do? When? When?!"

About all this, my therapist said something interesting: "You get attached to the outcome."

Why, yes! Like I said, I have issues with attachment. When I dare to leave the comfort of my bubble, when I welcome in the notion of change, I become immediately attached to the outcome of that change. It's all I can do to manage the anxiety that comes with anything being...different. Good different (i.e. date with a guy) or bad different (i.e. loss of job) -- it's all the same to my psyche.

Lately, I don't feel attached to any outcome. It's weird. I feel untethered to anything, in a good way. I can say, calmly, that I have no idea what will become of my life; and I can add, confidently, that I'm sure whatever happens will be positive. With relationships, recovery, career, I just don't know. And I kind of feel okay with that (for now). Letting go of that "attachment to outcome" is the only way I can explain why I've been socializing so much, and why I've found myself eating out so much, without counting. Last night, I went to my friend's house and made her my famous calzones. After, as we enjoyed our fullness, she said, "You want some ice cream?" I found myself saying, "Yes." Then I found myself too lazy to get up from watching our movie, so she filled my bowl. This is totally strange for me! I can't even say if this will last because I really don't know, but it's nice for now.

I hope you all had a great 4th of July! My friend and I got lucky with a hillside view of her local Church's fireworks show, and some random people did their own illegal fireworks show about 100 feet from us. I couldn't help but think about independence as I watched. That's the counter to attachment -- freedom.

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Today's gratitude:
1. My massage last Thursday. It was so intense and amazing that I signed up for a membership. I'm going to go weekly as long as my income allows.
2. Friends! I had Art Walk with a friend on Thursday night, random margaritas with a random friend on Friday afternoon, catch up time with another friend yesterday, then 4th of July at another friend's house last night.
3. My sister turns 28 today! For a couple months (until I turn 30 - yikes - in October), I'm 29 and she's 28 and I trip out over how she's not really my "baby sister."
4. I'm hanging out with family today. I visited my sister and her fiance to see their new house, with the new furniture. I'll be having dinner with my parents tonight.
5. I'm sleeping a bit better. I'm not a great sleeper (and haven't been since 2003-ish), but it's not bothering me so much anymore. I don't roll around, cursing the world, as much these days. I just roll around.