If you don't want to hear about my menstrual cycle, please stop reading.
So, I started on The Pill in 2003. And I just went off of it last month, after my husband and I split. That's 6 years of pumping my body with false hormones. In those 6 years, I wondered about my natural hormones. Were they ok? Would my body have a period if I went off the pill? Would I be fertile? Had I damaged my body so much with my anorexia that I wouldn't be a "woman" again? Have I mentioned that I have a tendency to start asking myself questions until I begin to break out in a cold sweat?
What's funny about me is that I always say I don't want kids, but I have a feeling that part of my reason for saying that is because I'm not sure I could have them. So, to spare myself the disappointment and self-beating, I just say I don't want them. Granted, I have concerns that aren't related to my body's capabilities: I wonder if I'm too selfish, I wonder about all the things that could go wrong. But, mostly, I think I've just been worried that I ruined my opportunity to conceive. Afterall, I'm a little fuzzy on how the body recovers from anorexia, long-term. I was without a period for years. Years! (Does anyone know how this affects fertility?)
Anyway... a month passed with me not being on the pill. No period. But, this morning, a little over a week late, there it was. When I first got my period as a teenager (I got it late, around age 15 or 16), it was such a trauma. I felt gross. I felt embarrassed. I felt like I was wearing a sign that said, "Hey, hey, I'm an f-ing woman now. Just so ya know." But, now, it's different. I want to be a woman. One of the main reasons I eat well now is because I want to LOOK like a woman. I want to be filled out. I want fat on my body. I want hips, whether they are childbearing or not. I don't want to be carded at Rated R movies (yes, this just happened to me).
I know I still have weight to gain, but I'm just so relieved that my body is working. And I'm so relieved to not be on the pill anymore! I'm convinced it made me "not myself" in ways that are hard to explain (like I was moody, but also a zombie without feelings). I feel much calmer, much more comfortable in my body now. Has anyone else had this experience?
***
Today's gratitude:
1. I had great friend time last night -- talking to the point of dry mouth, "Entourage" on DVR, white wine.
2. I have lunch with my long, lost friend today. I'm a bit nervous, but I think it'll be just fine.
3. I'm hanging out with another friend tomorrow night. We're going to get massages together at the place I go to, then have dinner.
4. I'm not really worried about anything. At all.
5. No, really, I have no worries right now. Isn't that weird?
About Me
- Kim
- I'm a 30-year-old who still feels like she's 13 when it comes to answering that ol' question, "Who am I?" I'm a writer, relying on the brochure and website needs of clients to pay bills, but hoping that I'll publish one of my fiction novels soon (before the year 2030 would be swell). Oh, and I was diagnosed with anorexia in 1998 and have been in recovery ever since.
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10 comments:
Holllller! I started lauging at the disclaimer of your post! hahah. I'm so happy for you that it came! It's one more accomplishment in the steps of "recovery".
I was like you and didn't get my period until at was 15 and from there on out, 'maybe' every 2-3 months, if lucky. It's assuring when it comes to know that everything is working properly done there!! positive reinforcement ;)
The whole "menstruation" thing makes me think of the book, "Are you there God, It's me, Margaret". At any rate, congratulations on being a woman!
As far as children are concerned, you know quite well my stance. I honestly think that most people that think, "I'm too selfish" would probably make excellent parents just for having a shred of self-awareness.
Good luck with your friend today and keep on not worrying.
that's so exciting!!! definitely make sure you go to the doctor and check your fertility if you're worried about it.
good luck with your friend!
I'm happy for you! I've also wondered if I've damaged my poor body beyond repair, thus never being able to have children. I won't go on the pill until my period comes back for real. I think very long-term loss of a period does result in infertility, but I think it's like really long term. My aunt, who also suffered from anorexia, lost her period for a few years and had a healthy child. You might want to check with a gynecologist if you have concerns, though.
If it makes you feel any better, sometimes the ticket people refuse to sell me PG-13 movie tickets. I get carded at R movies ever time, sometimes more than once. But then again, I'm really short.
Congrats to you. I also wondered the same thing--if I would be able to have a child. I hope everything goes well at the lunch with your friend.
Me too!!! It's obviously a good week for the return of lost periods :P I was traumatised when my period first turned up (age 12) too, but this time I'm relieved more than anything!
I think the fertility thing is different for everyone, but I do know that some people have no periods for years due to anorexia and manage to conceive perfectly naturally after recovery. It's good to know that bodies have such an amazing capacity for healing :)
yay! congrats! i remember when i finally got my period back (twice)...such a wonderful celebration! amazing what our bodies can do...
Haha, I agree with Lauren, love the disclaimer.
I haven't had my period regularly in probably about 3-4 years now. I have only gotten it when I have been on the pill. I am no longer on the pill--my husband also questioned the long term effects of pumping hormones into my body. But, no pill= no period. Do I mind? Yes and no. No, it's nice not to have to worry about it. But yes, I do mind that I don't have it because I may want to have children one day. I never really had much thought that not having my period meant that I can't have kids. My nutritonist says it should come back immediately once I am at a healthy weight. My therapist says that isn't even true. Also, that they may take ammenorrhea off the diagnostic criteria for anorexia. I would really rather not have to take the pill to jump start it--I just hated the way it made me feel.
Okay, now that you know all about my menstrual cycle...
I love that you are having a good time with friends, and that you have no worries. I loved the stories you sent me! Can I have your calzone recipe?
Take care, Kim.
No worries - really? That's fantastic!
Whoo hoo!! Super cool :) I'm really glad that it kicked in for you miss. I think all you said about talking about not having kids as potentially being due to fear of where your body is at is reasonable suggestion, however, you're doing everything you can now to take care of it and its fanatastic that it's responding at this stage :)
Love you
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