Going vegetarian.

A long time ago, I wrote a post titled "Going vegetarian?" -- with that question mark of insecurity and unease. I've taken away the question mark and put in a period.

I've been reluctant to broadcast this decision in any way in my "real life," but I thought it would be good to discuss here. I'm aware that any time I make a change in my eating, I have to be hyper aware of my intentions. After all, my anorexia started as an attempt to "just eat less fat." I get really obsessed, really fast. So, making this change in my diet doesn't come without a lot of thought. I really didn't eat much meat anyway, but I still think I have to be careful when I make an absolute decision like this. I think I'm doing it for healthy reasons though, and I'm more interested in talking to other people who are vegetarian and are recovering/recovered from an eating disorder. While I think "food is just food," meaning it's nothing to stress about, I also think we can have preferences or beliefs driving the food we choose. Yes, being vegetarian means I have to put a bit more thought into my food (mostly when I go out). Is it possible for someone like me to think about food without obsessing about it? I think so, but I'm curious to hear from others who have chosen to be vegetarian.

A few things about my decision:

-I've never been morally or ethically opposed to eating meat.

-I'm still not morally or ethically opposed to eating meat. I do believe that many animals exist to feed us (for example, chickens as a species would die off if we did not breed them for consumption). So, while it's bad for the individual chicken to have its throat slit, it's actually good for the species. I get that. I also get that humans are made to eat meat. Our teeth and jaws were built to eat plants and meat. Our stomachs produce an enzyme to break down protein found solely in meat. Our bodies require things like vitamin B12 which come mostly from animals. I would never say that I don't think we're "meant" to eat meat, or that eating meat is archaic. It's not. I wish people paid more respect to the animal that died to feed them, but I don't think it's my calling to be a hippie on a soapbox.

-What I am morally and ethically opposed to is the way animals are treated in our food industry.
Even if chickens are bred to feed us, that doesn't mean they have to stand around in their own shit, or be pumped with so many hormones (to give us more of the white meat we love) that they can't even hold their weight well enough to stand up.

The problem as I see it is that there aren't many traditional farms left; there are factories. We're all about efficiency. Part of that efficiency means mass producing one thing -- corn. The government subsidizes this, so farmers do it, and the industry finds weird ways to use the mass amounts -- as sweetener in the form of high fructose corn syrup, or as feed. Cows are herbivores, designed to eat grass, but we make them eat corn because we have it, and because it fattens them up faster. I've read that we're even teaching fish to eat corn. Fish?!

Maybe I'm species-ist, but thinking about a chicken or turkey or fish being killed doesn't make me emotional in the way that thinking about a pig or cow being slaughtered does. Maybe I'm just a wuss, associating those larger, furrier animals with the domestic ones we love. I don't know. In an ideal world, I would still eat poultry, but from locally-raised, humanely-treated birds. This isn't totally realistic in my daily life so, I'd say I'm 99% vegetarian as an alternative. I don't really think it's about the meat, as much as it's about the industry.

There are environmental reasons for my decision, too. A great deal of fossil fuel goes into the meat industry. It takes something like 75 gallons of oil to bring a cow to slaughter. I know that any agriculture involves oil and, unless I grow my own food (which I'm not about to do), there are transportation costs (from the farm/factory to the store to me). But eating low on the food chain uses much less energy. I think that's a good thing. If I can afford it, I'll buy organic because I think the less land doused in chemicals, the better. Also, organic farmers don't spread fertilizers made from natural gas or spray pesticides made from petroleum. I'll probably pay more attention to buying local produce, and buying what's in season (because I really don't need some tomatoes flown all the way from Chile). I didn't realize I was this passionate about this, but I am. I do believe that any time I buy something at the store, I'm expressing what I expect from the food industry. This is one area where I think consumers do have the power to enact change.

As I read this, I'm worried I come across too overzealous, like someone with spiked hair, weird piercings, a petition on a clipboard, and a huge chip on my shoulder. I'm most interested in hearing your thoughts about diet restrictions (for whatever reason) when in recovery from an eating disorder. Do you think recovery has to mean being completely non-discriminating about food?

***
Today's gratitude:
1. I'm just about finished with the first-ish draft (it's more like Version 1.5) of my Japan book.
2. I start work on Tuesday! I can't wait to go back to some structure. I'm sure I'll have bad days when I'll miss just hanging at home, but I'm going to do my best to see that the grass isn't just green on the other side; it's green wherever I am.
3. I'm reading at an Open Mic in Laguna Beach on Sunday, and in a showcase in San Diego on Tuesday (www.dimestories.org).
4. Free time this weekend :)
5. Larry. I love him.

Birthday dinner #2

Well, it's official. I have lived three decades. Larry informed me that come 2010, I will have lived in five decades (I was born in 1979), which makes me feel even older. In the past, I've been known to have birthday blues. I think I've cried on my birthday four of the last five years. Not this year. I'm happy to be 30. I've heard the thirties are characterized by self-acceptance and giving less and less of a shit about what people think. This sounds good to me.

The source of past birthday depression was always this nagging feeling that life was passing me by and I wasn't accomplishing what I wanted. I felt like I was just accumulating regrets. But, this year, I can say that I'm pretty content with where I'm at in my life. I never had a list of "things to do before I turn 30," and maybe that was the key. I'm just grateful for what I have. I have a great husband, who is extremely patient and loving with me. I have a supportive family and loyal friends. I have a wonderful, little condo with cats who never fail to make my day. I'm enjoying writing for fun again. And, oh yeah, I don't really care too much about food and weight and all that. It just doesn't cross my mind that often.

My birthday dinner last night was at The Counter. We were going to go somewhere a bit fancier, but I really wanted the sweet potato french fries at The Counter. I can indulge in those pretty much guilt-free now, which is amazing if you witnessed the standoff that used to exist between me and fried foods. After dinner, we picked up my ice cream (well, gelato, actually) cake next door at Piccomolo. I've always loved ice cream cake. I can't say I like cake, in general. Never have, really. I feel like it gives me dry mouth. But, ice cream cake is something else entirely.

One great gift yesterday:

I was interviewed to be part of a study about social connections and recovery from eating disorders (and I get a $25 Amazon gift card for participating!). The screening just happened to be yesterday.

Interviewer: In the last 3 months, how many times have you restricted, skipping at least two meals in a day?

Me: Zero.

Interviewer: In the last 3 months, how many times have you overexercised to lose weight?

Me: Zero.

Interviewer: In the last 3 months, have you thought that you need to lose weight -- not at all, slightly, moderately, ??? (Ha, I don't even remember the last option)?

Me: Not at all.

Talking objectively about my anorexia helps me see just how far I've come.

Another great gift:

I got a job!

I signed an offer to work with Larry's company. I've freelanced for them as a writer for over a year, so I know them and they know me. I'll be a full-time writer with some computer programming duties. It'll involve learning something new, so I'm super excited! Larry and I have worked together before (that's how we met, actually), so I'm not too worried about that dynamic. I'm more worried about the kitties being home alone. I know, I'm spoiled. Our house has been very clean and our errands very done with me being at home. We'll figure it out though. Life is always changing -- that's one thing I learned at the tail-end of my twenties :)

Thank you all for the birthday wishes! They mean so much to me!

See ya later, twenties!

***

Today's gratitude:

1. A surprise gift on my doorstep last night from a good friend. That was completely unexpected and made me all warm and fuzzy.

2. All the phone calls from my friends yesterday. I am truly loved, and very lucky.

3. I feel some liberty to shop for new clothes now that I know I'll have an income. I'm tempted to order things online... Hmm...

4. I had a wonderful "writer meeting" with my good friend, Meredith, on Monday (she writes this blog: http://writersinnerjourney.com/). I was so inspired that I've been working on my new book and having more fun with it than I have in several months.

5. Enjoying my last days of home time: yoga on DVR, reading, hanging with the kitties, scribbling down screenplay ideas, working on my Japan book, watching Netflix movies on my laptop. Life is good :)

Birthday dinner #1

A while ago, Sarah at Bearing, Eating, Being posted "Not the last supper," which I related to completely (I relate to most of her posts, so this was no shock). In my recovery, I notice that I still place a great deal of pressure on meals out. I feel like they're a "splurge" so they better be "worth it." If they're not -- if my meal is not what I expected, if it's too cold or too hot, if it just doesn't taste good for whatever reason -- I get irrationally upset.

Let's take last night as an example.

My dad's birthday is today and mine is on Tuesday, so we gathered for a family birthday celebration. Larry and I went to my sister's house and she drove us to Padri's, which I didn't know much about. My sister's description was like this: "Once, we saw Dwight Schrute from 'The Office' there. And the gnocci is good." I like Italian food, and I think it's pretty hard to mess it up, so I had high hopes. I ordered the lobster ravioli, which is not something I order on a routine basis, but it's my birthday, damn it. Unfortunately, it was not good. The sauce was cream-based and had this really odd flavor. And there were little bits of asparagus on top, and I hate asparagus. It just wasn't my thing. I was hoping for some kind of vodka sauce, or marinara. I guess I should have asked. I got unnerved, thinking about all the things I should have ordered. I started kicking myself. Then, I did something pretty cool -- I just stopped.

I found myself taking a deep breath and telling myself, "It's not your last supper" (thanks, Sarah!). I think part of my recovery is realizing that food really is just food. It doesn't have to be perfect. There can be "off" days in terms of appetite, quality of food, etc, and that's okay. I've spent so much time and energy obsessing over what I eat that it's hard for me to just shrug off a bad meal. But, I did fine last night, so fine that I enjoyed a couple pieces of my birthday cake at my sister's house :)

Some pictures from the family bday:

Larry and I at the restaurant.

My sister and me.

With my dad.

With my mom.

With my grandmas.

***

Today's gratitude:

1. I have a very loving family.

2. I found a yoga routine on DVR that I don't think is lame ("Inhale" on Oxygen. Yes, the guy wears MC Hammer pants and there's weird music, but it's actually a good routine).

3. The shirt my mom got me fits!

4. I love the pictures my sister framed for my birthday. She's a great photographer so I picked some of her photos from her world travels and she framed 'em for me.

5. My sister also finished our wedding album -- finally :)

Psychic encounter

Yesterday, I had my monthly massage. I've mentioned my massage therapist before. She's a little kooky, but very nice. And she does amazing things to my neck and back. So, during the course of our small talk, she mentioned that she's been clairvoyant since she was a little kid. Say what? It was kind of weird because I'd toyed with the idea of going to a psychic for my 30th birthday (on Tuesday!), just for fun. I told her that and she said, "I can do a reading for you." I thought she meant at some later date, in a tiny room that smells like incense and contains some kind of crystal ball centerpiece. But, no. She meant right then and there.

First, let me say that this woman doesn't know anything about me, aside from the fact that my right side is always way tighter than my left side. I started seeing her when Larry and I were separated, so she doesn't even know I'm happily married. I don't talk to her about my personal life or work or hobbies or anything. We mostly talk about the weather and her Dobermans. Anyway, this is what she told me:

• You have a lot of down time lately. (Why, yes)
• You're worried about money because you're out of work. (Uh huh)
• You don't do well with uncertainty and the down time is hard on you. (Uh huh)
• You'll be getting stronger though, during this phase. You'll be less insecure and less apprehensive. (Really?)
• This is a phase of letting go. I don't know of what, exactly, but it's something you've carried since childhood, like a belief that you're not good enough. (Whoa)
• Your husband has a job, something tech-y, and he brings in income. (Larry's a computer programmer)
• Your husband is very loving and supportive. He doesn't pressure you at all. That relationship is very solid. He won't stray from you. (Aww, I so lucky)
• This period of down time will last about 4 months. It will be very difficult for you at times, but your husband will help you through it. (Aww x 2)
• You'll read a lot during this time. You'll do a lot of inner soul-searching. (I read all the time, so...)
• Some kind of opportunity will come your way. It's a business venture, not related to what you do now. (Hmm...)
• You will be successful in whatever this new position is. You'll be more powerful and assertive as a person. Money will no longer be an issue for you. (I like)
• I know this sounds weird, but I see a new wardrobe. You don't really like your wardrobe now and I see some good-fitting, classic style clothes. (I've been really lamenting my clothes lately, so this is odd)
• I see you getting a new car. I think it's blue. (I actually thought about getting a new car before I got laid off)
• I don't see kids for you and your husband. (Good, because neither do we)
• Your body is healthy. (Yay!)
• You have a little bit of a hormone imbalance though, and it's related to your diet. (That explains this weird acne)
• I know you write books. I don't see anything happening with that for a very long time. (I kind of had that feeling myself)

It was really...weird.

The only thing that doesn't ring true for me is the blue car. I would never get a blue car (though I do like the color blue).

Larry was less-than-impressed. But, come on! How could she know some of that?

Anyway, her advice to me was to get out of the house more than I want to. She says that the key is to stay open to opportunities right now. I had a hunch that was the key.

***
Today's gratitude:
1. I have an interview today, actually. It's with Larry's company. I've freelanced for them and there may be a staff position. It would involve writing, but also learning some computer programming, which I've never done before. We'll see...
2. I'm having fun with this book I'm writing. If nothing happens with my fiction "career" until I'm old, that's okay with me. I'll always write.
3. DVR night! "Project Runway," "It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia," etc, etc.
4. Laziness without guilt.
5. Last days of my twenties!

Thin body, thick skin

I've been feeling a bit moody lately. I told my therapist today that it concerns me that I seem to swing so much. On Saturday, I was a pill for half the day, for no apparent reason. Then, I got over it (though I'm still not sure what "it" was), also for no apparent reason. Sometimes, it's like I'm begging my therapist to say, "Oh ya, you're totally messed up." She doesn't say that though, much to the disappointment of the self-hater in me. She just says, "And?"

Larry tends to share this "So what?" attitude toward my bad moods. He shrugs it off and says, "It sucks, but you'll get over it." And I do, and it's usually a surprise each time. As my therapist says, my "swings" just mean that my "bounce back" has gotten way better. I used to fall into funks that would be weeks or months long (and, arguably 1998-2001 was one giant funk). Now, I get upset and I get over it usually within a six hour timeframe. I guess that's pretty good.

The thing is that I've always been a little moody. Erratic. Mercurial. Tempermental. Grouchy. Grumpy. Irritable. Emotional. Take your pick of adjective. My favorite is "fussy." My overall mentality at times can be summed up by this Austin Powers clip: Then there is no pleasing you.

I've always seen my emotionality as a bad thing. I suppose this comes from growing up thinking I was "too sensitive." I feel like the goal was always to "toughen me up" and "give me thicker skin." I've been told I need to "let things roll off me more." My skin is just thin though and that seems to be as unchangeable as the color of my eyes. It's just part of who I am. I'm learning to accept it.

What's interesting is that the only time I've felt like my skin was thick was when I was severely anorexic. I didn't feel anything then. Nothing bothered me because I was completely disconnected from myself, other people and life in general. Perhaps this is why anorexia "clicked" with me so well. With it, I felt like I was dealing with life and emotions in a way that was more "normal" and "socially acceptable." I wasn't crying over "silly things"; in fact, I wasn't crying at all for about 3 or 4 years. I felt in control, for once. I didn't feel like that sensitive kid who had to be coddled. I can see how it "worked."

I'll take the emotionality that comes with being healthier though. Thicker body, thin skin. Yes, it scares me sometimes. When I'm in a mood, I don't see how I'll get out of it. I just feel like crap and that's that. When I do get out of it, I am perplexed as to how I did (and how I was even in it in the first place). Larry helps me accept myself exactly as I am. I think what they say about needing to be "your perfect self" before you love someone else is bullshit. I think when you fall in love with someone, you sort of fall in love with yourself because you see yourself as the other person sees you. Larry takes my moodiness in stride, and I'm learning to do the same. As he says, "It sucks, but you'll get over it." Turns out it's pretty much that simple.

***
Today's gratitude:
1. New Psychology Today arrived in the mail. (Mom, does this mean you got me a subscription for my birthday? If so, thank you!)
2. Oh yes, I turn 30 (!) on Tuesday! Family dinner on Saturday, husband/wife dinner on Tuesday, sister-in-law/nephew dinner next Sunday. I have placed specific cake requests. Can't wait!
3. Baseball playoffs and gymnastics world championships in the same week. That's like my ideal sports combo.
4. "The Shining"is in the number 1 spot of my Netflix queue. I'm preparing for Halloween.
5. I'm really into the book I'm working on. I "started over," thinking I'd scratch everything, but I really like what I have. Did I just say that?

Anorexia & brain scans

A good blog-to-real-life friend sent me this article from the BBC about how we can "see" anorexia on brain scans. It looks to be a couple years old, but still very interesting.

I don't know about you, but I'm very lazy about following links, so I'm just going to copy and paste the thing here, and I'm even going to bold the parts I think should not be skipped:

Anorexia visible with brain scans

Sophisticated scans have revealed the eating disorder anorexia is linked to specific patterns of brain activity.

Even young women recovering from anorexia who have maintained a healthy weight for over a year had vastly different brain activity patterns.

The findings in the American Journal of Psychiatry point to a brain region linked to anxiety and perfectionism. The University of Pittsburgh authors said the understanding might help with the development of new treatments. The work could also explain why people with anorexia nervosa are able to deny themselves food.

It is estimated that one in 100 women between the ages of 15 and 30 has anorexia. The main symptom is the relentless pursuit of thinness through self-starvation. This may become so extreme that it is life-threatening.

Dr Walter Kaye and his team studied 13 women who were recovering from anorexia and 13 healthy women. The women were asked to play a computer quiz where correct guesses were rewarded financially. At the same time, the researchers observed what was going on inside the mind using a type of brain scan called functional magnetic resonance imaging.

Worriers and perfectionists

During the game, brain regions lit up in different ways for the two groups of women.

While the brain region for emotional responses - the anterior ventral striatum - showed strong differences for winning and losing the game in the healthy women, women with a past history of anorexia showed little difference between winning and losing.

Dr Kaye said that, in anorexia, this might impact on food enjoyment. "For anorexics, then, perhaps it is difficult to appreciate immediate pleasure if it does not feel much different from a negative experience," said Dr Kaye.

Another brain area, called the caudate, which is involved in linking actions to outcome and planning, was far more active in the women with a history of anorexia compared to the control group. The anorexia group tended to have exaggerated and obsessive worry about the consequences of their behaviours, looked for rules where there were none and were overly concerned about making mistakes, said Dr Kaye.

He said: "There are some positive aspects to this kind of temperament. Paying attention to detail and making sure things are done as correctly as possible are constructive traits in careers such as medicine or engineering."

But carried to extremes, such obsessive thinking can be harmful, he said.

Dr Ian Frampton of Exeter University, who has himself been conducting MRI studies in patients with anorexia, said: "This shows how the brain might be important in eating disorders.

"There may be networks in the brain that make someone vulnerable to developing an eating disorder."

Establishing a neurobiological cause might help remove some of the blame and stigma that surrounds conditions like anorexia, he said. A spokeswoman from the eating disorders association "beat" said: "This demonstrates how complex eating disorders are and underlines that they should be treated as a serious mental illness and not a silly diet gone wrong."


My first thought: Damn, I knew I should have been an engineer.

My second thought: Does anorexia cause the changes in the brain, or do the brain patterns cause anorexia? In this chicken/egg scenario, I think the brain patterns predispose someone to anorexia. I was a perfectionist and a worrier long, long before I developed disordered eating. However, I think being sick further ingrained those brain patterns.

What do you think?

***
Today's gratitude:
1. I re-stained the deck this weekend. I suck at home improvement projects, so this was an accomplishment for me.
2. I worked a little bit on my latest book. I haven't touched it in several months because I'm in limbo with the current book I'm hoping to sell, but I got a creative burst yesterday.
3. Dodgers and Angels are both in the playoffs!
4. Another great weekend, complete with many errands, dinner at Benihana with some of Larry's family, and just taking it easy.
5. I'm reading a new book called "American Fuji." The book I'm working on is partly set in Japan so I wanted to read a similar book to see how it compares. It's ok.

The mysterious ways of therapy

I consider myself a pretty logical, practical person (except for that business about believing that certain eating rituals will prevent bad things from happening to me). All in all, I like to think that life is pretty formulaic. I love cause-effect relationships: If A, then B. I salivate over order and predictability. When I took the GRE (to get into a writing program, mind you), my highest score was on the analytical section. I'm good at pattern recognition. Basically, I should have been an engineer or something.


Anyway, I've been noticing over the past few months how much therapy has helped me let go -- of anorexic thinking, and the notions I had about recovery from anorexia. I want to be able to put into words how it's helped. I want to outline everything logically, but it doesn't seem to want to work like that. The changes have been very gradual and very subtle, and very unformulaic. Through my years of therapy, I've wanted to think that recovery entails following a neat, tidy to-do list. After all, alcoholics get 12 steps. Why can't I have delineated steps? But, part of my recovery from anorexia has been about accepting that there aren't really steps (in recovery, or life, really). Recovery is not something I can accomplish in the same way that I accomplished getting straight A's in school. It's just not that linear. There is no magical meal plan. I used to think that if I just ate X, I would be "better." I would put it in my day planner to "skip exercise for a week" because I thought that would make me "recovered." But, turns out, recovery doesn't seem to have much to do with my day planner. I've come to many realizations lately, without actively trying, and I've incorporated them into my daily life, sort of subconsciously.


In this moment, I'd say I have very little energy about food. For a long time, I "pathologized" my food choices (my therapist's term), thinking that I was still so "disordered." The truth is that, yes, I put more thought into my food choices now than I did pre-anorexia, but there isn't anything wrong with that necessarily. I'm just aware that I have certain preferences, but I'm not morally attached to those preferences. I feel more connected to my body and, while I have to make sure I eat enough, I don't really get Hitler with myself anymore. Since 2001, when I actively started recovering, I've had the same voice in my head that I did when I was actively sick. "Come on, Kim, you don't need to eat that" became, "You are such an idiot, why can't you eat that?" Now, the critical voice is really quiet, almost gone. Most of that has to do with accepting where I'm at and not being so damn hard on myself. I mean, when I take an objective look at things, I pretty much eat what sounds good, I don't eat any "diet" foods, I don't stress about going out to eat. I've spent so much time berating myself for not being farther along and, somehow, in the last few months, I've stopped that. I told my therapist that I feel a "healthy apathy" in general. I just don't care so much about the things I used to care about -- plans and food, what others think, what's going to happen next, etc, etc. I'm not as concerned with things going "perfectly" (whatever that even means). Maybe it's the near-divorce, or getting laid off, but I feel much more at peace with the messiness of life. I don't feel like I need to control it as much. There's just more space in my head. I credit my therapist for helping me clear out my mental attic.

I wish there was a step-by-step guide to fighting anorexia, but I just don't think there is. What are your thoughts?

***
Today's gratitude:
1. I met with a recruiter on Monday, so I'm being proactive in finding some work. She mentioned the possibiliy of a part-time placement, which would be just fine with me.
2. I got my books from Amazon in the mail!
3. RAIN!
4. I had a really nice time with my dad yesterday when he came to visit. I consumed way more sweet potato fries at lunch than I thought I would. Go me.
5. Larry and I have been able to talk about money issues, which is never a comfortable topic for us. I think he's afraid of me because I get so upset about financial stuff, but I'm trying to convince him (and myself) that I won't freak out about things.